All by myself...

My husband has been gone for almost a month now with the Air Force, and I truly thought I'd be handling this better than I am. I've been doing a lot of fun things with the girls, and its been busy with the Christmas season, but it just feels like there is something missing when he is not here.

I think the Lord is trying to teach me to rely on him for everything, but I'm not going to lie...IT IS HARD. I was in tears the other night just missing Brian and just kept thinking to myself, "I can't do this without him...he is my everything", to which a small whisper in my head replied, "I am your everything". I know that Lord is my rock, and the one I am supposed to lean on during times of trouble and times of joy, but it seems like this lesson is harder than I thought to learn.

I honestly thought this would be a piece of cake. Brian would be gone, but I'd have God and it would be all good. The Lord always provides, but I just didn't count on missing Brian as much as I do. I mean half of our courtship was spent with me waiting for him to either come home from the military or from the CHP academy.

Today is Sunday, and I am feeling guilty because I should be in church...instead here I sit feeling sorry for myself and just not being able to face people. I mean the thought of walking into church and being around everyone(as much as I love my church family) just seems overwhelming to me. I feel like I just want to lay in a corner and lick my wounds.

The scary thing about this for me is that we still have 5 more months to go after this and I just don't know how I am going to make it through. I'm not going to lie...I am freaking out.

I don't know...maybe I'm just depressed, and once this depression lifts I'll feel better. I imagine this is normal with long separations, but I have to say that Brian is handling this better...which to be honest kind of ticks me off : ).

Anyway, I guess I just needed to vent.

Just a little update...

So I'm starting to get the questions again about if we have heard anything so I thought I would give a quick update.

Talked to my SW yesterday, and our profile has been seen by every birthmom they had in November, and is going to be shown as far as I know to two girls this week for sure. It is nice because we are so open racially we get shown a lot. While its nice to know that we are getting shown a lot its also kind of a bummer because you kind of start taking it personally...like what is wrong with us?

Currently I've been told there are a total of 33 waiting families. Of the 33, 9 are placement pending (meaning there has been a match, but mom hasn't given birth yet, and papers haven't been signed).

You never know what is going to spark a birthmother's interest and I know in my head not to take it personally because one day there will be a match for us, but truthfully they are looking at a book of your life and either accepting you OR rejecting you.

My prayers continue to be that the Lord would touch every birthmother who looks at our profile and they will be given the wisdom to make the best decision for themself and their unborn baby.

So, in a nutshell this is it...we are still waiting! : ) I am here and Brian is in Texas, but still we are waiting together.

Please continue to pray for us especially for me in the patience department!! God is faithful, and I continue to rest in the fact that His plan is greater than mine.

Just another day in paradise...

So today has been a fairly uneventful day. Brianna stayed home today with a fever that started out at a 100, and at last check was 101.6. I've given her meds, and a cold compress, and she is feeling yucky, but doing better.

Not that I like her being sick, but my Brie has always been an independent kind of girl...even when she was a baby, so its very rare that she slows down long enough to cuddle with me. Today she crawled in my lap and laid there while I stroked her hair.

I can't believe how big she is getting...as I sit here typing she has come back in to lay with me on the couch. This is special because she is never this still. When I think of her I think of her as my "little hummingbird". She is always on the go and even when she appears to be still her little wings are still flapping away.

I'm sure as soon as the Tylenol kicks in and she feels a bit better she will be off again to see what fun she can find, but for now she is here with me...my baby.

I cherish this time with her. My sweet baby girl. My how time flies...

Get well soon!

A rose by any other name....

Okay, so most of you know I have been stressing about the baby's name for a bit due to our unintentional "Br" names. If the baby was going to be biological than I would probably have explored more options, but not wanting our 3rd kiddo to feel left out we have FINALLY come to the conclusion that we need to continue the "Br" line for Baby #3.

We talked about doing "D" names after me, but couldn't find any that I liked, or that we agreed on so here it goes....

If we have a boy his name is going to be Brody (not telling middle name because I am still trying to lobby Brian for a different middle name). If its a set of twin boys the second boy will either be Brendan Joshua, or Bryce Andrew (Brian HATES my favorite name Bradley Scott, so I am out of luck there).

If we have a little girl her name will be Brileigh Grace (I'm adamant about the middle name), and if its twin girls the other little angel will be either Bridget Faith, or Brielle Renee or some variation of those...I also like Brinley, but might be to weird if the names were that similar).

I wasn't to worried about it until our social worker told us the last two placements happened super fast. Like mom gave birth, and then called Bethany and wanted to look at profiles, and baby was placed within two days. Our social worker told us to get our names in order for paperwork purposes, so now that part is settled.

YAY! I will keep you all posted. SW is supposed to give me a call later so if there is any news to share I will...if not we will just wait until the next post!

I know I'm weird...but...

Okay, so I know that I am weird, but the truth is I am so much happier in dark and rainy weather. Okay so its not raining today, but I am so crossing my fingers that it does.

I am not a morning person, but I woke up to the dark skies, and crisp cool weather and I was (a phrase my mom uses quite frequently) "Happier than a pig in poop" I got up all chipper, and my kids and I were out the door to the grocery store picking up ingredients for all kinds of yummy soups and breads. I love this weather soooo much...I think I've said that already, but SERIOUSLY....SO HAPPY right now.

I guess this time of this year just brings up all kinds of wonderful memories for me. When we lived in Adak (island on the aleutian chain for those of you who don't know), the weather was like this a lot...all year round. Living on Adak was one of the best experiences of my life. I lived there from 4th grade to 8th grade (which in the Navy is a long time to live in one place). Its funny because we all complained about living there while we were there, but I don't know a single one of my friends that wouldn't like to visit that moment in their lives again even if it was for just one day.

We were surrounded by some of the nicest and most loving people there like the Kiilsholms, the Hansens, the Moores, the Finks, and the Bruffs...oh and we can't forget Miss Mary Lou. They were all like our family.

I think that is why this time of year mean so much to me. The fall air, and the smells of soups and all kinds of comfort food, and just the general feeling of anticipation that comes with knowing that Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas are on their way.

I am now trying to create those kinds of memories for my children. I try to have something yummy going when they get home whether it be fresh bread, or pumpkin spice bread, or hot chocolate waiting for them.

We decorate for Fall here, (not so much Halloween), and we have our special Thanksgiving decorations that we break out every year, and we have a fiber optic turkey that we call the "Tacky Turkey" that the girls LOVE that comes out every year.

Don't even get me started on my Christmas obsession...that is a blog all in itself, and is the time of year the my husband is an absolute SAINT for putting up with my Christmas mania. If he'd let me I'd hire actors, and farm animals for a living nativitiy on our front yard, but that man has to put his foot down some where, and with five Christmas trees in the house I think he has been a pretty good sport.

So I guess for now I will be signing off to go and have a wonderful cup of coffee, curl up on my couch and read a good book, and pray for rain!

A little bit of this...a little bit of that

I was talking to my husband the other night and I was wondering..."WHEN did I stop being fun?" I mean when I was a kid I was a huge ball of energy that drove my poor mother to the brink on more than one occasion. I loved to play soccer, baseball, I LOVED gymnastics, and crafts, and I spent many hours in creative thought and reading.

I was always on the lookout for fun.

I've always been kind of an old soul, and I do tend to take life to seriously sometimes, but it seems there is just so much responsibility when you are a mommy. I mean some days it feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders as you pray for your children and their futures, and their health, and that they don't go sideways in their teen years.

I do love to laugh, and I enjoy watching my kiddos play and tell cheesy jokes, and I hate to admit it, but I think fart humor is HILARIOUS. I haven't completely lost my sense of humor, but I think along the way that I've lost a little sense of my adventurous spirit and I know that I have pretty much lost all spontaneity.

To go on a trip with kids (and hubbs) requires at least a day if not more (depending on length of the trip) of planning and packing to get on the road, so by the time the trip starts I am soooo ready for vacay. Men are blessed in many ways like...just being able to show up.

On the flip side I am in a traditional relationship and I am PRAISING God that I have a husband who is solid and goes to work every day to support our family financially, but does he really have to have such a good time doing it : )? I do respect the HUGE responsibility that he carries on his shoulders.

Maybe its my attitude. Brian is so happy go lucky most of the time, and I feel like a grumpy gus so much of the time. OKAY, maybe its because its PMS week that I am feeling so CRAZY!!! I'm sure everything will look better in a few days or with a few bars of chocolate. Either way its all good.

So I think I've gotten off topic again, but that is the beauty of having a blog...you can say whatever you want! LOL

So to get back to what I wanted to say is that I am going to be intentional about looking for fun in my days. I think it will make be a better wife and mom, and it may even cause me to step out of my comfort zone and just let go and be free like when I was a kid.

Anyway, that is it from me for now...Sorry this isn't the greatest of blogs but I felt like letting it all out today.

I know all there is to know about the waiting game...

So seriously you guys, I'm in a process that I have been told could take up to 18 months, and I am only in month 2, and I am running out of surfaces to scrub, and new recipes to try.

I know the Lord has it under control, and I DO trust His timing. I just want to know what to do with myself in the mean time! I have been trying new recipes (oh yes, even recipes on how to make my own cleaning supplies), scrubbing tiles, folding mountains of laundry, and EATING like a maniac (that has to stop), and at the end of the day I thank God that He got me through one more day of waiting.

I have also started reading a chapter a day of the Bible and now that my Bible study has started I am doing that home work every day as well. Before I start getting ideas on things to do while I wait let me tell you what I have already done.

I have:

Put together a nursery complete with bedding.

Packed a diaper bag ready for the hospital (because you just never know) : )

Cleaned the car seat and it is ready to go (another gift from my sister-in-law).

I have shopped for clothes, socks, and other appropriate AUBURN tigers gear for Baby B.

I have read AND taken every class and book required AND suggested, and watched every DVD including Happiest Baby on the Block.

I have purchased baby towels, tub, soap, bottles, bottle cleaners, baby butt cream, lotion, hair brush, fingernail clippers, temporal scanner thermometer, and WAAAAY to many burp cloths.

My sister in law has gifted me with a beautiful brand new baby bjorn active (which I love).

I have blankets, Books about adoption, books that I love (Good Night Moon),

Brian and I have names picked out.

The only thing left to do is get my sister's support (I can't imagine that will happen until the baby gets here...family...can't live with them can't have a good organ donor match without them LOL )

So, with all of that done, I am ready for baby. (I have the stroller picked out too, but in case its twins I am holding off)

So, every day I try to get through every minute without thinking "Is today the day?", and I try not to have my heart jump in my throat every time the phone rings looking for a (209) area code.

I'm baking, cooking, shopping, and cleaning myself silly. What to do? What to do? SERIOUSLY...WHAT SHOULD I DO!! : )

Please keep us in prayer. I'm sure I'm driving my poor saint (ha ha ha) of a husband crazy.

Please pray that God will work in me even through this crazy time in my life, and that I won't lose my mind completely.

Do You Trust Me? Do You Trust My Timing?

I was really feeling the weight of waiting this past week. When we first started on this road to adoption in 2008, I would have never guessed that we would still be a waiting family in 2011, but situations changed and we changed agencies.

I've come a loooong way on this journey. When I first started out I was adamant about not having an open adoption, and now I am actually looking forward to an open adoption plan. I only wanted to go the route of international adoption. In the past couple of years I have read book after book, and article after article, and taken class after class in order to prepare for adoption. I've undergone two home studies, and explored parts of my family and marriage I probably wouldn't have given a second look at had we not decided to pursue adoption.

I've agonized and prayed, and I have seen the Lord change me, shape me, and mold me into a better mother, and wife, and while I may struggle in the short term with waiting, I am thankful as I look back to see what the Lord has brought me through and what He continues to take me through.

I was reading my Bible this past week and a piece of paper fell out with the date of April 29, 2009 on it. The title of the article was "Do you Trust Me?".

I was really struggling with the wait that day, and a potential birth mother situation had been brought to us, and I wanted to jump on it, but prayed that the Lord would guide my husband to tell us what we should do. I knew we shouldn't allow our profile to be shown, but sometimes I am WEAK when the thought of a baby in my arms and in my home comes to mind, and THIS particular baby had a due date of early October, AND was a boy.

Of course that is all I saw as I dismissed some really big risk factors in the pregnancy. When Brian finally called me back we discussed it, and he didn't feel comfortable with the situation (which I'm not giving all the details to because its confidential), and our agreement has always been if one of us is uncomfortable then the decision is made.

I took out my Bible, and when the article fell out I read it. As I read it one line popped out to me, "Do you trust me? Do you Trust My Timing?" I wanted to cry because even though in my head I knew that the situation was not right for us, I felt like "HEY! I've been waiting forever Lord, WHEN is this going to happen?"

It was like a slap in the face as that line rang in my head, "Do you trust me? Do you trust My timing?" I prayed, and cried, and prayed some more and gave it over to Him. I want God's best for my family and for my life, and I KNOW that the Lord is working in my life, so I gave it over to God and with that I said, "Yes, Lord I trust you, even though I sometimes forget, and YES LORD, I trust your timing!"

I'm not sure when our child will be here, but I have put my trust in the Lord. "YES LORD, I TRUST YOU, AND I TRUST YOUR TIMING!"

Isaiah 55:8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are you ways my ways, declares the LORD

Adoption Forum Nightmares!! LOL

Okay, so I went to my agency's adoption forums to support and get support from other adoptive parents who are waiting. So I went to the waiting adoptive parent's forum, and found a post which I thought would be interesting because the poster was in a situation similar to mine. She has children at home already and has been waiting for a while to be matched (I haven't been waiting that long).

She was feeling bummed at having waited this long, so I tried to encourage her, and told her that I truly believe the Lord has our child picked out for us , and to hang in there, and I quoted my favorite scripture, which if you know me even a little bit is Jeremiah 29:11.

With the responses I got you would have thought I lit a litter of Christmas Puppies on fire. Some were offended that I used the words "picked out", while one birthmom (still wondering why she was in the waiting adoptive parent forum) criticized my use of the verse Jeremiah 29:11 stating that God NEVER intends that a child be removed from their biological family.

Okay so I was super depressed after this little mess, so I about gave up. I left a message about just wanting to encourage others, and went on about how I couldn't believe my words of encouragement were picked apart and used the way they were, and the drama still flowed. One wonderful lady (We'll call her My Angel) came to my defense, and we private messaged a little about the birth mom (We'll call her Deeply Bitter Passive Aggressive...long name, so we'll shorten it to DBPA). Angel stated that DBPA is still pretty raw from her adoption placement, and tends to jump into forums and pick on adoptive parents.

After the private message I went back and saw that DBPA had jumped all over Angel and then someone else was still going off about my post which was like 25 or 30 posts. I never wrote anything else in that thread, but as I visited other threads I noticed that there are a few who just seem to go from thread to thread stirring stuff up. It really is sad because most of us I think are there for support, but like in everything there are those few who just SUCK!

I truly hope DBPA finds peace with her decision, and quits being so nasty to all of us who simply have a loving home and heart with a vacancy for a little person who needs to be taken care of, and loved.

I did meet one really nice lady who has now friended me on Facebook, and surprisingly we know some of the same people. Small world when on a national forum you find someone who you have more than a few people and places in common.

So in the mean time I'm not sure I am going to visit the forums as they have put a really bad taste in my mouth. I will not be deterred from what I believe though.

I TRULY with ALL my heart believe and know that the Lord knew what our family would look like before Brian and I ever met, and He knows who our beautiful child is and that child is fully intended for our family. Do I think the Lord intended for children to be separated from their biological families? No, in a perfect world, Mommies and Daddies stay together, and raise Godly children in Godly homes, but this is not a perfect world and we are sinners and for those who choose Christ, we are saved by grace!

So, believe it or not I said a little prayer for DBPA (a little one...I'm still a sinner trying to let her hurtful comments go : ) ), but until then I will quote Anne from Anne of Avonlea. She said this to Katherine (the headmistress at the girls' school, and another bitter woman disappointed by the way her life turned out) "I will not be poisoned by your bitterness".

Waiting

So far this time around the process has been much smoother...mostly because I think we knew what to expect.

I am having a hard time today in this "waiting" period. I know that the Lord has anything under control, but it still doesn't change the antsy feeling I have. I guess I just want to be done with all of this OFFICIAL stuff and just on with being a family.

It is hard not knowing if and when we will be picked, but as time continues to pass, I know that each day brings me closer to our little one.

I am so glad that I have Brian here as my support system. We are both excited, but he is able to somehow not obsess about it like I do. I don't know if its because Mommies are different, and we just can't wait to love and cuddle with our little ones, but on days like today it just feels like I can't wait to hold our little pumpkin.

It is like when you were a kid and you were waiting for Christmas. You don't know what your present is going to be, but the anticipation is crazy as you wait to unwrap your gift, and thank the giver.

In my case I can't wait to meet our birthmom...I'm praying that we get along, and have a good relationship. Through the Bethany forums I've seen a lot of things that encourage me. It seems to me that birthparents are kind of like your in-laws. They are a package deal, and you may just love them to death, or interact with them for the sake of your family. I'm praying the former rather than the latter.

When I married Brian I never imagined we'd be on this adventure together. In so many ways it is so much harder than having biological children, BUT I think that as a couple the process of adoption can really draw your marriage and your family closer together.

I truly am grateful for those that lift us up in prayer. You'll never know how much I appreciate it.

So for now we are like Dory in Nemo! We are gonna "Just keep swimming...just keep swimming". As crazy as it sounds that little crazy fish amazes me with her positive outlook. That is so Brian, and I am of course Marlin...I'm always the one to think something is going to go wrong. So now...we are just swimming along, waiting on the Lord's timing!

Ready for take off!!

Well, I thought it was about time for an update, so here it goes. We should be cleared for official take off by Friday. We have everything in and our social worker said as soon as we send in our profiles (hopefully Thursday???) we will be playing the waiting game!!

I am so excited and so appreciate those of you who have been able to support us through prayer and encouragement. Please don't stop praying because waiting may be just as hard if not harder than all of the other stuff we've have to do so far.

We are so excited, and can't wait until our baby is in our arms. Its such an adventure.

There are so many similarities in adoption to having biological children. There is the same having to surrender to the process. When you are carrying a child in your body you must surrender to whatever that pregnancy throws at you, and you no longer have control over your body or your life, and when you carry a child in your heart you must surrender to a process in which it feels like everyone else has control over your life except for you.

Ultimately the lesson I am learning this time around is that the Lord already has our little one picked out for us, and everything is being orchestrated like a beautiful symphony by our Lord. In his timing...we cannot rush the conductor, or the symphony will not work out as beautifully as intended.

I am praising God for all of the lessons he has taught our family in this process. Praise God from whom ALL blessings flow!!

Adoption Update!

A few of you have requested an update on our Adoption Journey, so rather than write the same story 3 or 4 times, please forgive me for just writing a cover all blog!

This week we finished the last of our interviews for our home study and PASSED our home inspection. Our Redding Social Worker called last night to say that she mailed off our paperwork to our other social worker in Modesto, so now all that is left is to get our insurance form from Brian's work and we will mail off the rest of our paperwork to Bethany.

THEN...the first of the BIG fees. So if you can all continue to keep us in prayer about the adoption finances that would be greatly appreciated!

After that fee is paid then Mona will write the other half of our home study down in Modesto, and then my understanding is that by August we will be making our books and having potential Mamas look at our profile.

So we are in the HURRY UP mode, so hopefully soon we will be in the wait mode!

So that is all of the news for now. We are just really relaxed this time around and feeling really blessed to be working with an agency that is Christ centered. Hope this answers everyone's questions! : )

Paper Pregnant

I cannot deny that I am looking forward to being done with the paperwork of adoption, but at the same time its all a part of this pregnancy...paper pregnancy that is. I am being told on a regular basis by those that have adopted to be patient with every step of the process. I have to say as in my other two pregnancies that I went through some of the same things. I am dying to shop for crib bedding, and other baby odds and ends, but without knowing the sex of the baby I'm not sure what I want to buy.

I've been researching all of the new baby stuff (its been a while since I had an infant in the house), and I am surprised by some of the products on the market. Boogie wipes??? Back when I had Brianna that was either a wet wipe, or a burp cloth. Pee Pee Tee Pee?? REALLY??? Some of this stuff is just way to funny for words. My personal favorite was a crib for $4,000...Someone obviously has more sense than money!!! All in all though it has been fun looking and making my baby wish lists.

Brian and I are wading through this paperwork together and sometimes it just sucks and then sometimes it is fun like when they ask you questions like, "How do you get along with your in-laws?" or the questions about your sex life, or "What are your spouses strengths? Weaknesses?". I swear every couple who is having a baby should have to answer these questions. They really get you thinking, and in my case appreciating what a wonderful man I am married to.

Anyway, so here is where we are at. We will be done with our homestudy meetings AND home inspection by May 31st, then it will have to be written up...THEN we will really need your prayers as we apply for grants and try to get financially creative in order to bring our pumpkin home.

God is good, and as always is faithful to the Call Family.

Just keep swimming...just keep swimming...

Well, I am just swimming along here through my adoption check list, and I'm feeling so much more relaxed this time around. I just feel at peace. I am resting in the fact that God already has our child picked out for us, and so nothing I do will make our baby come faster, and nothing I do will mess up God's perfect timing. I know I get scared sometimes, but it is so nice to know that the Lord is in control. It makes this process so much easier KNOWING that HE has it under control. Now I know this doesn't mean that I might not have a freak out here or there along the way, but it is awesome how calm I feel at this moment. I keep praying for my child's birth family, and I pray for him (or her) as well. I swear I might actually be enjoying the process this time. Its kind of like a pregnancy in so many ways, but without the morning sickness, bloating, and swollen ankles...it does have pain of its own though. I'm just so thankful for all of the support we have been getting through this process from our friends. Praise God from whom ALL blessings flow. May He continue to teach me and mold me during this long and sometimes difficult process. So like Dory (in Finding Nemo) I will "just keep swimming, just keep swimming" through the process, and pray daily to remain surrendered to the Lord not only through this process, but long after its over.

Wading through paperwork...again

So we e-mailed our adoption application last night, it was exciting, but also kind of exhausting. We've already done this once before, and I am NOT looking forward to all of the paperwork that is to come, and not to mention MORE classes, although I am happy that this time they are on-line...PRAISE GOD!! The benefit of having done this before is that I kind of know what is coming. Although we didn't end up adopting with the county I DO feel that I am more prepared for what is to come. The down side to this is that the county process pretty much wore me down, and this time around I don't have the energy and excitement for the process that I did last time.

I guess that is a blessing though because I am not hung up on time-lines right now, or rushing around trying to get to our baby closer and then ending up waiting and waiting. Just as with biological children, babies come when they are supposed to! I know my child has already been determined for us by God, so I am just going to plug along and TRY to relax and enjoy this journey. It is sooooo much like a pregnancy in so many ways. You have to take every thing in steps, and you really don't have a whole lot of control over what happens to you...you can only control how you RESPOND to what happens to you! : )

I am excited to hold our child in my arms, but I am ALSO excited about what else the Lord is going to teach me through this process. We started with the county in late 2008, and already the Lord has used it to mold us and shape us in so many ways! I am a better mother, and we are a better family because of some of the classes we have taken and some of the wonderful friends we have made.

So I guess I better pull up my waders, and keep wading through the paperwork!

Life is about the Journey???

Received a call from my Dad this morning, just checking in on us and to see if we still had his camera, and as we were about to hang up he said, "So I hear you are thinking about adopting again".

Of course I didn't lie and I asked who told him and he said my mom. At first I told him I didn't want to talk about it with them because I know that he and my mom wish we wouldn't add to the family, but I guess I was curious as to why.

We love our children so very much, and Brian and I have prayed about this decision, and we both really want to add another child to this family.

My dad said maybe it was his and my mom's selfish grandparent thing that if we added another that one of the kids might not get enough attention, or someone else would be overlooked if the child became sick, and that at least if there were two "no one would get left out".

I know they have concerns, and this is not a decision that Brian and I have come to lightly. I just don't like to hear it because it makes me worry about all of the what ifs...

Having thought back to my other pregnancies, I worried about the SAME things. What if I don't have enough love for both of my kids (I did, and do), What will I do if one gets sick and I can't be every where at once (God always works it out), What if something happens to one of my kids, how will I survive (All mommies worry about this)...I can't see the future and I don't want to ruin this journey with worries like I did with our county process.

I wish I had my parent's support on this, but I'm confident that through prayer, and with my discussion Brian and I are walking in the right direction, and if God changes that direction then we will move accordingly. I am also praying that God will change and soften their hearts.

The important thing is that I KNOW once our child arrives that my family will love this child just as it has our two others.

I'm a bit bummed, but not deterred : )

Another Time, Another Place.

Its Valentine's Day...For us its just another day. We aren't big Valentine's Day celebrators at our house. We just love each other every day, and call it good! : )

Anyway, last night I was on the phone with my husband (he's out of town on business), and I started talking to him about our relationship and how far we've come. Its probably all of the Valentine's talk that got me thinking about it.

The other day I was on my way to Target and stopped at the stoplight (by Taco Bell, and the Movie Theater), and it hit me how about 14 years ago (approx...I've had two children, my brain is mush) my mom and I were at the same stoplight in my car getting ready to go to chapel at Simpson. Josh McDowell was the guest speaker, and was one of my mom's favorite, so I brought her along to hear him speak. (I'll get back to the stoplight in a second) Anyway, Brian and I were having issues in our friendship, and we just never could get it right. I KNEW at the age of 16, that I wanted to marry Brian.

I have been in love with Brian since 1993, and he says "I always knew it was you", but it took us years to get it together, and getting back to that stoplight, Brian and I were going through a rough patch in our friendship (shortly after he found out he was going to be a father).

I was really upset, and told my Mom that I was so frustrated that we just couldn't get it together, and she made the comment that it probably wasn't God's Will for us to be together even though that is what I wanted. At the time I was devastated.

All of these years later I can see how the Lord grew us, and changed us, and made us ready for each other.

Brian and I were talking about this last night because of our adoption. We wanted to add a child since '08 and have had major times of frustration, but we can see how God has opened and closed different gates. When we started I was CLOSED to anything but a foreign adoption, and slowly those doors closed, and our family member who was going through the county offered to watch our kids for the classes so we could adopt through the county.

I wasn't excited about the county because I STILL had my heart set on a Korean adoption. I prayed. Lord if it is your will for us to adopt here in the states let their be an Asian baby in the county (because at time I was convinced that there were only white babies here)

Anyway, for the first time in our marriage Brian had a regular schedule that allowed him to attend classes, we had a babysitter, AND on the first night of class there was a beautiful little Asian girl there with our instructor Raylene. Not only was this baby Asian, but she was KOREAN.

I was so excited and felt confident we were on the right track. At home we were struggling with our oldest daughter, and I wasn't sure if it was right for us, and just felt so uncertain about the county, but continued to go to class. Out of those classes, my heart was opened to an OPEN adoption, which NEVER EVER would have been possible.

I never felt settled with the county, and after a year and a couple of "almost" babies we decided to close our license, and Brian who because of cost was never open to anything other than the county started to look into stuff with me.

We came across Bethany Christian Services because years ago a friend mentioned it to me after the birth of Brianna, and we were considering adoption because my pregnancy had been so rough. The name came to me again, and so I sent for info, and to my surprise I felt at peace, and so did Brian after he researched some of the funding options.

EMOTIONALLY I get scared and go back and forth, and have made the mistake of sharing that with my family who despite their love for us can't truly understand the emotions of it all because they haven't gone through this. About the only people who get it are my friends who have adopted and my sister-in-law who is still going through this process, and is a great listener to my UPS AND DOWNS.

So for now, as we pray, I continue to ask God to lead me through the doors I am supposed to go through. One day I will be able to look back and see how the Lord led us to where we are supposed to be. If that leads us to another child (which I'm not going to lie is my desire), then awesome, and if it doesn't I am already blessed beyond measure!!

Wife, Mom, and Nurse????

Well, most of you know my husband was in a motorcyle accident last Friday (he was NOT at fault), so since last Friday I have been playing nurse to my hubby! I am so relieved that the Lord spared him and the crash was not life threatening, but I often wonder when I look back at this if I will see what the Lord's plan was in all of this.

In the past I have been blessed to be able to look back at situations and see the Lord's hand in every little detail. I know that He is at work even now in our lives, so I will be interested to see what His plan for us was in this accident.

For now we are dealing with Brian's injuries, and getting him better, as he is not really all that mobile right now, so as he recovers I look forward to see how He is going to work in our lives. FOR NOW...we are going to have to put our adoption plans aside until Brian gets better, so it looks like unless things change we are going to have to move our start date until after all of this accident and insurance stuff is taking care of.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper and not to harm you, to give you a future and a hope!!

God is good!!!!!!!

Oh the New Year

Okay, now that I have all of the Christmas stuff put away, I can finally RELAX. Next year I am not putting up even half of what I did this year. I went a little Christmas crazy. The mess was making me nuts too. I can deal with a little bit of mess, but the overwhelming mess from all things shiny, and cardboard almost drove me crazy.

Now with the mess picked up I feel like my head is all clear again. I'm ready for the New Year now. It was beautiful to wake up to snow...beautiful, white, snow that was such a wonderful reminder of how the Lord's sacrafice covered our sins and gave us a clean slate.

I am so thankful for that forgiveness, and HIS constant mercy when I soooo don't deserve it.

I only pray that I will draw closer to the Lord this year. I am so in need of a refreshed soul. I want to be in the place where I can say in all situations, "It is well with my soul". Right now, all I can say is I want that, but I am soul weary at this point, yet I praise the Lord for his MANY blessings.

I am determined this year is going to be a good year. No matter if we add to our family or just enjoy the family we have been blessed with.