Here comes the sun...YAY

Okay, so Brian and I had a nice talk last night...okay, I TALKED and he listened. My husband has many gifts, but the gift of gab is not one of them.

Me being the planner that I am wanted to sit down and figure out a plan for the new year. I mean I didn't want to plan every detail, but we have some pretty big chunks of time that needed to be accounted for (work training, etc.). We got to talking about the kids and our life, and I am reminded why I love him. He makes me feel like every dream I have is doable. Like everything is going to be okay no matter what I decide to do.

Today I still want to adopt our baby...Brian and I basically decided we are going to have to have a piss or get off the pot date. A date where either we jump in with both feet or we don't. I guess that is good since that's how we've made every big decision in our life, AND how I finally got Brian to commit to dating me when we were young. I told him he had a certain date to make up his mind to date me, or I was going to explore my other offers...LUCKY him he made the right decision!! : )

For now I am going to continue to pray and see where the Lord takes us. I want to get more involved with our church, and focus on my relationships with the Lord, and really get over my fear and jump in with both feet into our church and HOPEFULLY make some really solid friendships.

I covet all of the prayers we can get as we move forward into 2011. ESPECIALLY since after the Auburn game we are ridding our household of Satellite t.v. ...oh the horror! : ) We've decided its getting in the way of us spending good quality time with our kiddos, so we are getting rid of it. I may have some withdrawal, but it is something I've felt led to do for years, but now finally have my hubby on board!
Labels: adoption, decisions, Husband, kids draft

New Year

I've decided not to make any New Year's resolutions this year, which I guess in itself is a New Year's resolution, thus defeating the purpose of my NO NEW YEAR'S resolution.

Anyway, things have finally started to slow down in the house, but my house looks like a disaster zone right now. I'm still not done taking down all of my decorations. I've got three of the five trees down (its a sick Christmas obsession, that must be stopped!), and tomorrow I am hoping to finish packing up the rest of the stuff. The trees are the hardest because you have to wrap each ornament individually, but the rest of the stuff should be a breeze and then to REALLY clean.

That is about all I can handle on my plate right now. I've been confused lately on whether or not to adopt. My desire to have another baby is still strong, but I'm not sure if my body will keep up. My thyroid levels have been on target, and all of my other levels still look good, but some days it seems impossible to even think of keeping up with another one. I mean babies are easy...they eat, sleep, and poop. Its all kind of beautiful, and I LOVE the quiet time in the middle of the night when its just me and the baby and no one else, but then the day comes and I am EXHAUSTED!

I recently had the privilege of getting to watch my cousin Ayden who is just about 2, and let me tell you...I WAS EXHAUSTED after a couple of hours. I don't know how my aunt does it with three active kiddos. I have two and some days seem longer than others, BUT with all of the hard work I also get so much out of being a mommy.

My kiddos are so smart, and funny (yes, I know every mom thinks that, and every mom is right!). They constantly amaze me at the stuff they come up with. My husband often look at them and wonder aloud what people without kiddos do with themselves. It must be sad, and lonely, and (ok, I sometimes envy this last one) QUIET! I'm sure they get to use the bathroom by themselves, and don't have to hear tattling on a regular basis, but what about the joy they miss out on?

I don't know where this is coming from other than I am still tired from all of December's activity. It was so much easier when I could just get pregnant. I had all of these fears with my pregnancies, BUT once I made that leap, and got pregnant there was no turning back. With adoption there is WAY to much time to think about it! I can leap one day, then back out the next.

I know my mom is hoping I don't do it, but as she says, she "will support" me no matter what. AHHHHH...I hate that I can't jump...I'm to much of a control freak to just let go, and go with it. Adoption gives you to much time to think of all of the variables.

Well, for now I'm not going to think about it, because March or April is the earliest we could even THINK about financially beginning the process, so until then...I guess I'll just enjoy the kiddos I have now, and not worry (ha ha) about the future.

To Be or Not to Be...can't decide!

Yes, I've been wanting a baby for the past 3 years, and the desire still remains, but the reality is, I AM SO LUCKY right now.

Right now I have a really good life. I have a wonderful husband and two beautiful girls, and all is well. I don't know if it is because right now I am soooooo exhausted from the holidays, or my sister's wedding, but the truth is that if I had to make a decision today about whether or not to add a baby to the family or not, the answer would be no.

We are blessed that my husband is still employed and I am able to stay home with our girls, but right now things are tight, as we pay off debt, and cut off our credit card spending and get back to the basics.

I'm not sure what the future holds, or if when I am well rested I will change my mind again, but right now I am tired! : )

Right now I am at such a wonderful place in life. I love my 30's and the new freedom I have now that my kiddos are in school, and I love the plans for the future I have with my husband.

I'll keep you guys posted. Until then keep us in your prayers!!

You know you've been together a long time when...

My husband and I went to see RED last week, and it was so much fun to go out with my baby.

After the movie was out we passed the bathroom and I turned to my husband and said, "Do you have to go potty?". He went to the bathroom, and as I waited for my husband, another couple walked by and the woman turned to her spouse (A HUGE muscled tattoo man) and said, "Baby, do you have to go potty?".

I'm so glad I'm not the only one who says stuff like that to my husband...SOO FUNNY!

Anticipation

The grown up in me is really glad that we decided to take a break from the adoption process after our "county experience", but the Mommy in me is like, "GIVE ME MY BABY!!"

I am excited soooo excited for March when we can officially begin this journey again. I know that it is going to be another long road, but oh the end result is going to be worth it.

Our pastor told us to pray specific, so I have been praying for a healthy baby boy, but also acknowledging that the Lord may have other plans for us. So for now I am praying for little Brody James to come home with us, and be healthy and happy, and I am also praying for a really good relationship with his birth parents.

Chances are our little one hasn't even been conceived yet, but I am already praying for his/her biological parents and the tough road they are going to have to face.

I hope they will know that their child has been loved and prayed for before his/her conception, and they have been prayed for too.

In so many ways this is like a pregnancy. With my girls I wrote to them in their journals, prepared for their arrival through prayer, and relished the thought of their arrival. I am doing all of these things for little Brody James. (Do not fear we have names for the little one if he turns out to be a she!!!)

I hope his/her birth parents will always know that their child was loved before he/she was born, and wanted, and will become an integral part of this family.

So in the mean time I PRAY PRAY PRAY, and wait on the Lord's guidance and provision for this adoption.

KEEP US IN PRAYER!!

Really??????

So the other night Brian and I had a babysitter (WOO HOO), and I was DYING to see The Expendables (Love me some Jason Statham...owww!), so we went and sat down, and I was SHOCKED to see this couple bring in their young children. Now when I say young...I mean YOUNG! The youngest looked about four, and the oldest about 6.

As the previews started there were a few that I couldn't even watch because of the creepy factor, so I was thinking about the little girls in the front. As the movie started I tried to focus on the movie and not the kids, but the Mommy in me just kept thinking about those little ones in the front.

At one point of the movie this guy has this totally awesome gun that when shot literally blows half of the person off, and these parents did not remove their children even one time the whole movie.

I know that I am not a typical girly girl who likes Jane Austen, and Lifetime television for women, but I wouldn't even dream or dare take my kiddos to something so violent. I love action movies, and know the difference between reality and fiction. These kids were exposed to stuff that at their age they shouldn't even have an inkling about. They should be watching Olivia, or Blue's Clues!

Sometimes it really makes you wonder if like the adoption process some bio parents should have to go through a process to become parents because that was stinkin' ridiculous. Anyway, that is my rant for the week...I think! : )

Letting go in baby steps!

Yesterday My mom, sister, brother-in-law, me, and the girls headed to Six flags. It was a wonderful day, and one that I had been saving up for, for a little while. I wanted to be able to take my girls, and spoil them rotten for a whole day.

I didn't realize that yesterday would be such a big day for my little girl, AND for me. Brianna was finally tall enough for the UPSIDE DOWN rides. She was so excited, and I was TERRIFIED! My biggest fear was that she would get in the ride...it would start, and she would be terrified and I wouldn't be able to do anything about it, but I would see her little face in total terror.

As a mother, I always want to protect my kiddos from anything that might hurt them or cause them discomfort. As she waited in line I was PANICKED. I made my sister promise to place her between her and my brother-in-law Dave. She sat in the chair, and looked so excited.

I felt like I was going to cry. I was so anxious. The ride started, and as she went round and round her smile grew bigger and bigger. SHE LOVED IT!! I was so glad, and it kind of reminded me that as my children grow there are going to be specific times where I am going to have to LET GO, and let them experience life even though it may not be pleasant, AND I am not going to be able to always make sure that they aren't scared, or upset, or unhappy, BUT there ARE going to be times when letting go is going to allow them to experience some of the most AWESOME things in life.

It was a day of fun as she rode more rides, and with each one letting go got a little easier, BUT I know its not always going to be that easy. That is why I am going to have to cover my children in prayer, and entrust them to the Lord and have faith that they are in his hands.

Together we can take on anything...

I am so blessed in my life as a happy mom and wife. My husband truly balances me out in every way. Yesterday I was so discouraged by the road ahead of us, so when my husband got home, we say down together and we talked.

I shared my feelings and concerns with him, and we talked and together we worked over possibilities. I wouldn't have our marriage any other way. We met so young, and we have in a way grown up together. It has been neat to see him grow from a teenager, to a man. We were friends long before we were a couple, and I love that we continue to be friends, as well as a married couple.

I love being a homemaker and taking care of and spoiling my husband. I love our traditional roles. I love that he goes out to work every day and takes care of our family's needs, while I stay home and take care of our home, and our children. He supports me in all my endeavors and helps around the house, and is an AWESOME father.

When times are uncertain, I know that there are two things I can always rely on. 1-God is in control, and He will see to all my needs. 2-Brian will love me, and take care of me until his last breath.

I am truly blessed.

Am I ready??

Today was the first time in a long time that I have felt so truly in the beginning phases of our adoption journey. When I think about all of the paperwork, waiting, and grant paperwork we have to fill out, I feel almost to tired to begin. I honestly do NOT know where the money is coming from and I will not put my family in a bad place for this journey.

Some days it seems like the day our baby is placed in our arms in never going to happen. Its been two years since we originally applied with the county to adopt, and about 6 months since we closed our license with them. I never felt settled with them, and it always felt...OFF. I really feel at peace in our new choice. I just know its going to take a while, and patience is just one of the fruits of the spirit I am still working on.

My kids are still excited, and they amaze me with their optimism after all this time. They are growing more and more every day, and just make it so fun to get up every day. Brianna is now into the show Billy the Exterminator. She cracks me up with all her play by plays. Brooke is still into Olivia, and her little Olivia doll comes with us EVERYWHERE we go.

I am so blessed to have my girls, and to have such a wonderful patient husband. Even if the journey is long, I know that I have them beside me every step of the way. PRAISE GOD!

Roller coaster...again...I don't think so.

I've been feeling really settled and at peace with our decision to apply with Bethany CS in the spring, but its been a weird week here. One of the agencies we considered prior to Bethany e-mailed us wanting to re-connect with us. I explained to them, that Brian and I really felt as if we were being led to Bethany CS, and while we appreciated the time Susie B. spent with us, we were going to go with Bethany in the Spring.

I got two more calls from this other agency wanting to speak with me to review our options. I wrote back telling them we had prayed about it, and we were set on moving forward with Bethany. The next day I received an e-mail from the agency asking me to review my options and to read the attached article about a Bethany lawsuit.

I have to say this really turned me off. I was livid because I can't stand when other people bad mouth others in their field. I feel an agency, or business should be able to stand on their own merits. So at Brian's suggestion I googled this agency, and they had SEVERAL lawsuits against them, and many complaints.

When I read the article about Bethany I still felt confident that in that situation they tried to make it right despite the difficult circumstances surrounding the overseas adoption.

When we decided to take a break from adoption last Christmas, I knew I needed the break from the roller coaster, and I feel at peace with our new journey, BUT I am not looking forward to the emotional ups and downs again...or all of the paperwork. : )

I really took my family along for the ride...so much so that my mom only wants to know about the baby when I call her to come with us to pick up our little angel. She's afraid I'll be disappointed again, and mommies can't stand to see thier babies heartbroken...NO MATTER WHAT THE AGE!

We are keeping this situation in prayer, and are super excited about how the Lord is going to move and work in our lives. I'm sooooo excited to see how God is going to show himself to our family. I'm convinced we are going to be taken back by how He brings all of this about.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.

~Where Jesus reigns there is no fear, no restless doubt, But quietness and calm instead~ Anonymous

Follow up post to Sex Talk

For those of you who know me, and know I have a step-son may wonder how I explained that situation to my daughter after our "don't have sex before you are married" conversation. I did explain it to her, but I didn't feel comfortable sharing that with EVERYONE because that part of the conversation is going to stay between me, Brianna, and my husband. If it was only about me I'd blab like crazy, but my husband is more private that I am.

I just wanted to clear that up for those of you that know about my wonderful step-son Anthony. Thanks for joining me on my Mommy journey!!

The sex talk...YIKES

My daughter and I were watching A Baby Story, and she turned to me and asked, "Did she just poop that kid out?". I told her no that the baby came out of the lady's toto (What we Puerto Ricans call the vagina). She was so appalled and then that led to a whole lot more questions, that I answered through my blushing.

I explained to her about sex (NOT GRAPHIC), in a very general way, and she said, "Oh, so you and Daddy only had sex twice...once for me and once for Brooke". I told her no, that is one of the ways that husbands and wives show each other they love each other. She seemed good with that answer...for now.

I kept emphasizing that it is ONLY for husbands, and wives...so hopefully as we go over again in the future, she will know that God's plan is that sex is only between a husband and a wife, and that she will honor God, and herself by waiting until marriage.

It was a very long discussion, and I SURVIVED. I was so freaked out at first, but then I was glad because my daughter felt she could ask me all of those questions without being embarrassed. I hope this means that she will continue in the future to feel like she can talk to us about sex, or anything else that may come up, and she will know that Mommy and Daddy will answer her questions honestly.

I don't even want to know what she is going to ask next!! : ) Parenting is not for the faint of heart!!

When I think back to when I first saw my husband I still get butterflies. I was homeschooling, and he came to our church with his school choir, and I was smitten immediately. I was 15 then, and he was 16. I thought he was GORGEOUS! It was the following year that I decided that I wanted to go back to school, and of course I chose his school!!

I couldn't have known how that decision would change my life forever. Not only was he good looking, he was a genuinely nice guy. We became friends who flirted a lot, and eventually he graduated and joined the Army, and the following year I graduated and went to college. We remained friends, but I always knew I loved him, and he loved me. We just couldn't seem to get it together to be anything but friends.

FINALLY, he came home for good, and we decided to be a couple, and a year later after I graduated from college and he graduated from the academy, we were married. I've NEVER regretted that decision. I love him more every day.

SO, 18 years after we first met...We have two biological daughters, we are preparing to adopt our third child, AND we have two rotten dog children who we love to death.

We went through a year and a half adoption experience with our county but were unsuccessful. I just couldn't get over the fact that I might love a child and take care of a child for 18 months and then have them ripped from my arms to go back with their biological parents. I saw this happen to my sister-in-law, and it broke my heart.

After taking a long break we went through a preliminary meeting with Bethany Christian Services, and we have prayed about it, and feel this is the direction we are going. First we are going to pay off our two credit cards to make us financially ready, and we are going to apply in March of 2011.

In the mean time we are keeping our birth parents in prayer, and praying that this journey will be less painful than the last, and a wonderful adventure.

I'll keep you all posted!!