All by myself...

My husband has been gone for almost a month now with the Air Force, and I truly thought I'd be handling this better than I am. I've been doing a lot of fun things with the girls, and its been busy with the Christmas season, but it just feels like there is something missing when he is not here.

I think the Lord is trying to teach me to rely on him for everything, but I'm not going to lie...IT IS HARD. I was in tears the other night just missing Brian and just kept thinking to myself, "I can't do this without him...he is my everything", to which a small whisper in my head replied, "I am your everything". I know that Lord is my rock, and the one I am supposed to lean on during times of trouble and times of joy, but it seems like this lesson is harder than I thought to learn.

I honestly thought this would be a piece of cake. Brian would be gone, but I'd have God and it would be all good. The Lord always provides, but I just didn't count on missing Brian as much as I do. I mean half of our courtship was spent with me waiting for him to either come home from the military or from the CHP academy.

Today is Sunday, and I am feeling guilty because I should be in church...instead here I sit feeling sorry for myself and just not being able to face people. I mean the thought of walking into church and being around everyone(as much as I love my church family) just seems overwhelming to me. I feel like I just want to lay in a corner and lick my wounds.

The scary thing about this for me is that we still have 5 more months to go after this and I just don't know how I am going to make it through. I'm not going to lie...I am freaking out.

I don't know...maybe I'm just depressed, and once this depression lifts I'll feel better. I imagine this is normal with long separations, but I have to say that Brian is handling this better...which to be honest kind of ticks me off : ).

Anyway, I guess I just needed to vent.

Just a little update...

So I'm starting to get the questions again about if we have heard anything so I thought I would give a quick update.

Talked to my SW yesterday, and our profile has been seen by every birthmom they had in November, and is going to be shown as far as I know to two girls this week for sure. It is nice because we are so open racially we get shown a lot. While its nice to know that we are getting shown a lot its also kind of a bummer because you kind of start taking it personally...like what is wrong with us?

Currently I've been told there are a total of 33 waiting families. Of the 33, 9 are placement pending (meaning there has been a match, but mom hasn't given birth yet, and papers haven't been signed).

You never know what is going to spark a birthmother's interest and I know in my head not to take it personally because one day there will be a match for us, but truthfully they are looking at a book of your life and either accepting you OR rejecting you.

My prayers continue to be that the Lord would touch every birthmother who looks at our profile and they will be given the wisdom to make the best decision for themself and their unborn baby.

So, in a nutshell this is it...we are still waiting! : ) I am here and Brian is in Texas, but still we are waiting together.

Please continue to pray for us especially for me in the patience department!! God is faithful, and I continue to rest in the fact that His plan is greater than mine.

Just another day in paradise...

So today has been a fairly uneventful day. Brianna stayed home today with a fever that started out at a 100, and at last check was 101.6. I've given her meds, and a cold compress, and she is feeling yucky, but doing better.

Not that I like her being sick, but my Brie has always been an independent kind of girl...even when she was a baby, so its very rare that she slows down long enough to cuddle with me. Today she crawled in my lap and laid there while I stroked her hair.

I can't believe how big she is getting...as I sit here typing she has come back in to lay with me on the couch. This is special because she is never this still. When I think of her I think of her as my "little hummingbird". She is always on the go and even when she appears to be still her little wings are still flapping away.

I'm sure as soon as the Tylenol kicks in and she feels a bit better she will be off again to see what fun she can find, but for now she is here with me...my baby.

I cherish this time with her. My sweet baby girl. My how time flies...

Get well soon!

A rose by any other name....

Okay, so most of you know I have been stressing about the baby's name for a bit due to our unintentional "Br" names. If the baby was going to be biological than I would probably have explored more options, but not wanting our 3rd kiddo to feel left out we have FINALLY come to the conclusion that we need to continue the "Br" line for Baby #3.

We talked about doing "D" names after me, but couldn't find any that I liked, or that we agreed on so here it goes....

If we have a boy his name is going to be Brody (not telling middle name because I am still trying to lobby Brian for a different middle name). If its a set of twin boys the second boy will either be Brendan Joshua, or Bryce Andrew (Brian HATES my favorite name Bradley Scott, so I am out of luck there).

If we have a little girl her name will be Brileigh Grace (I'm adamant about the middle name), and if its twin girls the other little angel will be either Bridget Faith, or Brielle Renee or some variation of those...I also like Brinley, but might be to weird if the names were that similar).

I wasn't to worried about it until our social worker told us the last two placements happened super fast. Like mom gave birth, and then called Bethany and wanted to look at profiles, and baby was placed within two days. Our social worker told us to get our names in order for paperwork purposes, so now that part is settled.

YAY! I will keep you all posted. SW is supposed to give me a call later so if there is any news to share I will...if not we will just wait until the next post!

I know I'm weird...but...

Okay, so I know that I am weird, but the truth is I am so much happier in dark and rainy weather. Okay so its not raining today, but I am so crossing my fingers that it does.

I am not a morning person, but I woke up to the dark skies, and crisp cool weather and I was (a phrase my mom uses quite frequently) "Happier than a pig in poop" I got up all chipper, and my kids and I were out the door to the grocery store picking up ingredients for all kinds of yummy soups and breads. I love this weather soooo much...I think I've said that already, but SERIOUSLY....SO HAPPY right now.

I guess this time of this year just brings up all kinds of wonderful memories for me. When we lived in Adak (island on the aleutian chain for those of you who don't know), the weather was like this a lot...all year round. Living on Adak was one of the best experiences of my life. I lived there from 4th grade to 8th grade (which in the Navy is a long time to live in one place). Its funny because we all complained about living there while we were there, but I don't know a single one of my friends that wouldn't like to visit that moment in their lives again even if it was for just one day.

We were surrounded by some of the nicest and most loving people there like the Kiilsholms, the Hansens, the Moores, the Finks, and the Bruffs...oh and we can't forget Miss Mary Lou. They were all like our family.

I think that is why this time of year mean so much to me. The fall air, and the smells of soups and all kinds of comfort food, and just the general feeling of anticipation that comes with knowing that Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas are on their way.

I am now trying to create those kinds of memories for my children. I try to have something yummy going when they get home whether it be fresh bread, or pumpkin spice bread, or hot chocolate waiting for them.

We decorate for Fall here, (not so much Halloween), and we have our special Thanksgiving decorations that we break out every year, and we have a fiber optic turkey that we call the "Tacky Turkey" that the girls LOVE that comes out every year.

Don't even get me started on my Christmas obsession...that is a blog all in itself, and is the time of year the my husband is an absolute SAINT for putting up with my Christmas mania. If he'd let me I'd hire actors, and farm animals for a living nativitiy on our front yard, but that man has to put his foot down some where, and with five Christmas trees in the house I think he has been a pretty good sport.

So I guess for now I will be signing off to go and have a wonderful cup of coffee, curl up on my couch and read a good book, and pray for rain!

A little bit of this...a little bit of that

I was talking to my husband the other night and I was wondering..."WHEN did I stop being fun?" I mean when I was a kid I was a huge ball of energy that drove my poor mother to the brink on more than one occasion. I loved to play soccer, baseball, I LOVED gymnastics, and crafts, and I spent many hours in creative thought and reading.

I was always on the lookout for fun.

I've always been kind of an old soul, and I do tend to take life to seriously sometimes, but it seems there is just so much responsibility when you are a mommy. I mean some days it feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders as you pray for your children and their futures, and their health, and that they don't go sideways in their teen years.

I do love to laugh, and I enjoy watching my kiddos play and tell cheesy jokes, and I hate to admit it, but I think fart humor is HILARIOUS. I haven't completely lost my sense of humor, but I think along the way that I've lost a little sense of my adventurous spirit and I know that I have pretty much lost all spontaneity.

To go on a trip with kids (and hubbs) requires at least a day if not more (depending on length of the trip) of planning and packing to get on the road, so by the time the trip starts I am soooo ready for vacay. Men are blessed in many ways like...just being able to show up.

On the flip side I am in a traditional relationship and I am PRAISING God that I have a husband who is solid and goes to work every day to support our family financially, but does he really have to have such a good time doing it : )? I do respect the HUGE responsibility that he carries on his shoulders.

Maybe its my attitude. Brian is so happy go lucky most of the time, and I feel like a grumpy gus so much of the time. OKAY, maybe its because its PMS week that I am feeling so CRAZY!!! I'm sure everything will look better in a few days or with a few bars of chocolate. Either way its all good.

So I think I've gotten off topic again, but that is the beauty of having a blog...you can say whatever you want! LOL

So to get back to what I wanted to say is that I am going to be intentional about looking for fun in my days. I think it will make be a better wife and mom, and it may even cause me to step out of my comfort zone and just let go and be free like when I was a kid.

Anyway, that is it from me for now...Sorry this isn't the greatest of blogs but I felt like letting it all out today.

I know all there is to know about the waiting game...

So seriously you guys, I'm in a process that I have been told could take up to 18 months, and I am only in month 2, and I am running out of surfaces to scrub, and new recipes to try.

I know the Lord has it under control, and I DO trust His timing. I just want to know what to do with myself in the mean time! I have been trying new recipes (oh yes, even recipes on how to make my own cleaning supplies), scrubbing tiles, folding mountains of laundry, and EATING like a maniac (that has to stop), and at the end of the day I thank God that He got me through one more day of waiting.

I have also started reading a chapter a day of the Bible and now that my Bible study has started I am doing that home work every day as well. Before I start getting ideas on things to do while I wait let me tell you what I have already done.

I have:

Put together a nursery complete with bedding.

Packed a diaper bag ready for the hospital (because you just never know) : )

Cleaned the car seat and it is ready to go (another gift from my sister-in-law).

I have shopped for clothes, socks, and other appropriate AUBURN tigers gear for Baby B.

I have read AND taken every class and book required AND suggested, and watched every DVD including Happiest Baby on the Block.

I have purchased baby towels, tub, soap, bottles, bottle cleaners, baby butt cream, lotion, hair brush, fingernail clippers, temporal scanner thermometer, and WAAAAY to many burp cloths.

My sister in law has gifted me with a beautiful brand new baby bjorn active (which I love).

I have blankets, Books about adoption, books that I love (Good Night Moon),

Brian and I have names picked out.

The only thing left to do is get my sister's support (I can't imagine that will happen until the baby gets here...family...can't live with them can't have a good organ donor match without them LOL )

So, with all of that done, I am ready for baby. (I have the stroller picked out too, but in case its twins I am holding off)

So, every day I try to get through every minute without thinking "Is today the day?", and I try not to have my heart jump in my throat every time the phone rings looking for a (209) area code.

I'm baking, cooking, shopping, and cleaning myself silly. What to do? What to do? SERIOUSLY...WHAT SHOULD I DO!! : )

Please keep us in prayer. I'm sure I'm driving my poor saint (ha ha ha) of a husband crazy.

Please pray that God will work in me even through this crazy time in my life, and that I won't lose my mind completely.