Another Time, Another Place.

Its Valentine's Day...For us its just another day. We aren't big Valentine's Day celebrators at our house. We just love each other every day, and call it good! : )

Anyway, last night I was on the phone with my husband (he's out of town on business), and I started talking to him about our relationship and how far we've come. Its probably all of the Valentine's talk that got me thinking about it.

The other day I was on my way to Target and stopped at the stoplight (by Taco Bell, and the Movie Theater), and it hit me how about 14 years ago (approx...I've had two children, my brain is mush) my mom and I were at the same stoplight in my car getting ready to go to chapel at Simpson. Josh McDowell was the guest speaker, and was one of my mom's favorite, so I brought her along to hear him speak. (I'll get back to the stoplight in a second) Anyway, Brian and I were having issues in our friendship, and we just never could get it right. I KNEW at the age of 16, that I wanted to marry Brian.

I have been in love with Brian since 1993, and he says "I always knew it was you", but it took us years to get it together, and getting back to that stoplight, Brian and I were going through a rough patch in our friendship (shortly after he found out he was going to be a father).

I was really upset, and told my Mom that I was so frustrated that we just couldn't get it together, and she made the comment that it probably wasn't God's Will for us to be together even though that is what I wanted. At the time I was devastated.

All of these years later I can see how the Lord grew us, and changed us, and made us ready for each other.

Brian and I were talking about this last night because of our adoption. We wanted to add a child since '08 and have had major times of frustration, but we can see how God has opened and closed different gates. When we started I was CLOSED to anything but a foreign adoption, and slowly those doors closed, and our family member who was going through the county offered to watch our kids for the classes so we could adopt through the county.

I wasn't excited about the county because I STILL had my heart set on a Korean adoption. I prayed. Lord if it is your will for us to adopt here in the states let their be an Asian baby in the county (because at time I was convinced that there were only white babies here)

Anyway, for the first time in our marriage Brian had a regular schedule that allowed him to attend classes, we had a babysitter, AND on the first night of class there was a beautiful little Asian girl there with our instructor Raylene. Not only was this baby Asian, but she was KOREAN.

I was so excited and felt confident we were on the right track. At home we were struggling with our oldest daughter, and I wasn't sure if it was right for us, and just felt so uncertain about the county, but continued to go to class. Out of those classes, my heart was opened to an OPEN adoption, which NEVER EVER would have been possible.

I never felt settled with the county, and after a year and a couple of "almost" babies we decided to close our license, and Brian who because of cost was never open to anything other than the county started to look into stuff with me.

We came across Bethany Christian Services because years ago a friend mentioned it to me after the birth of Brianna, and we were considering adoption because my pregnancy had been so rough. The name came to me again, and so I sent for info, and to my surprise I felt at peace, and so did Brian after he researched some of the funding options.

EMOTIONALLY I get scared and go back and forth, and have made the mistake of sharing that with my family who despite their love for us can't truly understand the emotions of it all because they haven't gone through this. About the only people who get it are my friends who have adopted and my sister-in-law who is still going through this process, and is a great listener to my UPS AND DOWNS.

So for now, as we pray, I continue to ask God to lead me through the doors I am supposed to go through. One day I will be able to look back and see how the Lord led us to where we are supposed to be. If that leads us to another child (which I'm not going to lie is my desire), then awesome, and if it doesn't I am already blessed beyond measure!!

Wife, Mom, and Nurse????

Well, most of you know my husband was in a motorcyle accident last Friday (he was NOT at fault), so since last Friday I have been playing nurse to my hubby! I am so relieved that the Lord spared him and the crash was not life threatening, but I often wonder when I look back at this if I will see what the Lord's plan was in all of this.

In the past I have been blessed to be able to look back at situations and see the Lord's hand in every little detail. I know that He is at work even now in our lives, so I will be interested to see what His plan for us was in this accident.

For now we are dealing with Brian's injuries, and getting him better, as he is not really all that mobile right now, so as he recovers I look forward to see how He is going to work in our lives. FOR NOW...we are going to have to put our adoption plans aside until Brian gets better, so it looks like unless things change we are going to have to move our start date until after all of this accident and insurance stuff is taking care of.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper and not to harm you, to give you a future and a hope!!

God is good!!!!!!!

Oh the New Year

Okay, now that I have all of the Christmas stuff put away, I can finally RELAX. Next year I am not putting up even half of what I did this year. I went a little Christmas crazy. The mess was making me nuts too. I can deal with a little bit of mess, but the overwhelming mess from all things shiny, and cardboard almost drove me crazy.

Now with the mess picked up I feel like my head is all clear again. I'm ready for the New Year now. It was beautiful to wake up to snow...beautiful, white, snow that was such a wonderful reminder of how the Lord's sacrafice covered our sins and gave us a clean slate.

I am so thankful for that forgiveness, and HIS constant mercy when I soooo don't deserve it.

I only pray that I will draw closer to the Lord this year. I am so in need of a refreshed soul. I want to be in the place where I can say in all situations, "It is well with my soul". Right now, all I can say is I want that, but I am soul weary at this point, yet I praise the Lord for his MANY blessings.

I am determined this year is going to be a good year. No matter if we add to our family or just enjoy the family we have been blessed with.

Here comes the sun...YAY

Okay, so Brian and I had a nice talk last night...okay, I TALKED and he listened. My husband has many gifts, but the gift of gab is not one of them.

Me being the planner that I am wanted to sit down and figure out a plan for the new year. I mean I didn't want to plan every detail, but we have some pretty big chunks of time that needed to be accounted for (work training, etc.). We got to talking about the kids and our life, and I am reminded why I love him. He makes me feel like every dream I have is doable. Like everything is going to be okay no matter what I decide to do.

Today I still want to adopt our baby...Brian and I basically decided we are going to have to have a piss or get off the pot date. A date where either we jump in with both feet or we don't. I guess that is good since that's how we've made every big decision in our life, AND how I finally got Brian to commit to dating me when we were young. I told him he had a certain date to make up his mind to date me, or I was going to explore my other offers...LUCKY him he made the right decision!! : )

For now I am going to continue to pray and see where the Lord takes us. I want to get more involved with our church, and focus on my relationships with the Lord, and really get over my fear and jump in with both feet into our church and HOPEFULLY make some really solid friendships.

I covet all of the prayers we can get as we move forward into 2011. ESPECIALLY since after the Auburn game we are ridding our household of Satellite t.v. ...oh the horror! : ) We've decided its getting in the way of us spending good quality time with our kiddos, so we are getting rid of it. I may have some withdrawal, but it is something I've felt led to do for years, but now finally have my hubby on board!
Labels: adoption, decisions, Husband, kids draft

New Year

I've decided not to make any New Year's resolutions this year, which I guess in itself is a New Year's resolution, thus defeating the purpose of my NO NEW YEAR'S resolution.

Anyway, things have finally started to slow down in the house, but my house looks like a disaster zone right now. I'm still not done taking down all of my decorations. I've got three of the five trees down (its a sick Christmas obsession, that must be stopped!), and tomorrow I am hoping to finish packing up the rest of the stuff. The trees are the hardest because you have to wrap each ornament individually, but the rest of the stuff should be a breeze and then to REALLY clean.

That is about all I can handle on my plate right now. I've been confused lately on whether or not to adopt. My desire to have another baby is still strong, but I'm not sure if my body will keep up. My thyroid levels have been on target, and all of my other levels still look good, but some days it seems impossible to even think of keeping up with another one. I mean babies are easy...they eat, sleep, and poop. Its all kind of beautiful, and I LOVE the quiet time in the middle of the night when its just me and the baby and no one else, but then the day comes and I am EXHAUSTED!

I recently had the privilege of getting to watch my cousin Ayden who is just about 2, and let me tell you...I WAS EXHAUSTED after a couple of hours. I don't know how my aunt does it with three active kiddos. I have two and some days seem longer than others, BUT with all of the hard work I also get so much out of being a mommy.

My kiddos are so smart, and funny (yes, I know every mom thinks that, and every mom is right!). They constantly amaze me at the stuff they come up with. My husband often look at them and wonder aloud what people without kiddos do with themselves. It must be sad, and lonely, and (ok, I sometimes envy this last one) QUIET! I'm sure they get to use the bathroom by themselves, and don't have to hear tattling on a regular basis, but what about the joy they miss out on?

I don't know where this is coming from other than I am still tired from all of December's activity. It was so much easier when I could just get pregnant. I had all of these fears with my pregnancies, BUT once I made that leap, and got pregnant there was no turning back. With adoption there is WAY to much time to think about it! I can leap one day, then back out the next.

I know my mom is hoping I don't do it, but as she says, she "will support" me no matter what. AHHHHH...I hate that I can't jump...I'm to much of a control freak to just let go, and go with it. Adoption gives you to much time to think of all of the variables.

Well, for now I'm not going to think about it, because March or April is the earliest we could even THINK about financially beginning the process, so until then...I guess I'll just enjoy the kiddos I have now, and not worry (ha ha) about the future.

To Be or Not to Be...can't decide!

Yes, I've been wanting a baby for the past 3 years, and the desire still remains, but the reality is, I AM SO LUCKY right now.

Right now I have a really good life. I have a wonderful husband and two beautiful girls, and all is well. I don't know if it is because right now I am soooooo exhausted from the holidays, or my sister's wedding, but the truth is that if I had to make a decision today about whether or not to add a baby to the family or not, the answer would be no.

We are blessed that my husband is still employed and I am able to stay home with our girls, but right now things are tight, as we pay off debt, and cut off our credit card spending and get back to the basics.

I'm not sure what the future holds, or if when I am well rested I will change my mind again, but right now I am tired! : )

Right now I am at such a wonderful place in life. I love my 30's and the new freedom I have now that my kiddos are in school, and I love the plans for the future I have with my husband.

I'll keep you guys posted. Until then keep us in your prayers!!

You know you've been together a long time when...

My husband and I went to see RED last week, and it was so much fun to go out with my baby.

After the movie was out we passed the bathroom and I turned to my husband and said, "Do you have to go potty?". He went to the bathroom, and as I waited for my husband, another couple walked by and the woman turned to her spouse (A HUGE muscled tattoo man) and said, "Baby, do you have to go potty?".

I'm so glad I'm not the only one who says stuff like that to my husband...SOO FUNNY!