Do You Trust Me? Do You Trust My Timing?

I was really feeling the weight of waiting this past week. When we first started on this road to adoption in 2008, I would have never guessed that we would still be a waiting family in 2011, but situations changed and we changed agencies.

I've come a loooong way on this journey. When I first started out I was adamant about not having an open adoption, and now I am actually looking forward to an open adoption plan. I only wanted to go the route of international adoption. In the past couple of years I have read book after book, and article after article, and taken class after class in order to prepare for adoption. I've undergone two home studies, and explored parts of my family and marriage I probably wouldn't have given a second look at had we not decided to pursue adoption.

I've agonized and prayed, and I have seen the Lord change me, shape me, and mold me into a better mother, and wife, and while I may struggle in the short term with waiting, I am thankful as I look back to see what the Lord has brought me through and what He continues to take me through.

I was reading my Bible this past week and a piece of paper fell out with the date of April 29, 2009 on it. The title of the article was "Do you Trust Me?".

I was really struggling with the wait that day, and a potential birth mother situation had been brought to us, and I wanted to jump on it, but prayed that the Lord would guide my husband to tell us what we should do. I knew we shouldn't allow our profile to be shown, but sometimes I am WEAK when the thought of a baby in my arms and in my home comes to mind, and THIS particular baby had a due date of early October, AND was a boy.

Of course that is all I saw as I dismissed some really big risk factors in the pregnancy. When Brian finally called me back we discussed it, and he didn't feel comfortable with the situation (which I'm not giving all the details to because its confidential), and our agreement has always been if one of us is uncomfortable then the decision is made.

I took out my Bible, and when the article fell out I read it. As I read it one line popped out to me, "Do you trust me? Do you Trust My Timing?" I wanted to cry because even though in my head I knew that the situation was not right for us, I felt like "HEY! I've been waiting forever Lord, WHEN is this going to happen?"

It was like a slap in the face as that line rang in my head, "Do you trust me? Do you trust My timing?" I prayed, and cried, and prayed some more and gave it over to Him. I want God's best for my family and for my life, and I KNOW that the Lord is working in my life, so I gave it over to God and with that I said, "Yes, Lord I trust you, even though I sometimes forget, and YES LORD, I trust your timing!"

I'm not sure when our child will be here, but I have put my trust in the Lord. "YES LORD, I TRUST YOU, AND I TRUST YOUR TIMING!"

Isaiah 55:8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are you ways my ways, declares the LORD

Adoption Forum Nightmares!! LOL

Okay, so I went to my agency's adoption forums to support and get support from other adoptive parents who are waiting. So I went to the waiting adoptive parent's forum, and found a post which I thought would be interesting because the poster was in a situation similar to mine. She has children at home already and has been waiting for a while to be matched (I haven't been waiting that long).

She was feeling bummed at having waited this long, so I tried to encourage her, and told her that I truly believe the Lord has our child picked out for us , and to hang in there, and I quoted my favorite scripture, which if you know me even a little bit is Jeremiah 29:11.

With the responses I got you would have thought I lit a litter of Christmas Puppies on fire. Some were offended that I used the words "picked out", while one birthmom (still wondering why she was in the waiting adoptive parent forum) criticized my use of the verse Jeremiah 29:11 stating that God NEVER intends that a child be removed from their biological family.

Okay so I was super depressed after this little mess, so I about gave up. I left a message about just wanting to encourage others, and went on about how I couldn't believe my words of encouragement were picked apart and used the way they were, and the drama still flowed. One wonderful lady (We'll call her My Angel) came to my defense, and we private messaged a little about the birth mom (We'll call her Deeply Bitter Passive Aggressive...long name, so we'll shorten it to DBPA). Angel stated that DBPA is still pretty raw from her adoption placement, and tends to jump into forums and pick on adoptive parents.

After the private message I went back and saw that DBPA had jumped all over Angel and then someone else was still going off about my post which was like 25 or 30 posts. I never wrote anything else in that thread, but as I visited other threads I noticed that there are a few who just seem to go from thread to thread stirring stuff up. It really is sad because most of us I think are there for support, but like in everything there are those few who just SUCK!

I truly hope DBPA finds peace with her decision, and quits being so nasty to all of us who simply have a loving home and heart with a vacancy for a little person who needs to be taken care of, and loved.

I did meet one really nice lady who has now friended me on Facebook, and surprisingly we know some of the same people. Small world when on a national forum you find someone who you have more than a few people and places in common.

So in the mean time I'm not sure I am going to visit the forums as they have put a really bad taste in my mouth. I will not be deterred from what I believe though.

I TRULY with ALL my heart believe and know that the Lord knew what our family would look like before Brian and I ever met, and He knows who our beautiful child is and that child is fully intended for our family. Do I think the Lord intended for children to be separated from their biological families? No, in a perfect world, Mommies and Daddies stay together, and raise Godly children in Godly homes, but this is not a perfect world and we are sinners and for those who choose Christ, we are saved by grace!

So, believe it or not I said a little prayer for DBPA (a little one...I'm still a sinner trying to let her hurtful comments go : ) ), but until then I will quote Anne from Anne of Avonlea. She said this to Katherine (the headmistress at the girls' school, and another bitter woman disappointed by the way her life turned out) "I will not be poisoned by your bitterness".

Waiting

So far this time around the process has been much smoother...mostly because I think we knew what to expect.

I am having a hard time today in this "waiting" period. I know that the Lord has anything under control, but it still doesn't change the antsy feeling I have. I guess I just want to be done with all of this OFFICIAL stuff and just on with being a family.

It is hard not knowing if and when we will be picked, but as time continues to pass, I know that each day brings me closer to our little one.

I am so glad that I have Brian here as my support system. We are both excited, but he is able to somehow not obsess about it like I do. I don't know if its because Mommies are different, and we just can't wait to love and cuddle with our little ones, but on days like today it just feels like I can't wait to hold our little pumpkin.

It is like when you were a kid and you were waiting for Christmas. You don't know what your present is going to be, but the anticipation is crazy as you wait to unwrap your gift, and thank the giver.

In my case I can't wait to meet our birthmom...I'm praying that we get along, and have a good relationship. Through the Bethany forums I've seen a lot of things that encourage me. It seems to me that birthparents are kind of like your in-laws. They are a package deal, and you may just love them to death, or interact with them for the sake of your family. I'm praying the former rather than the latter.

When I married Brian I never imagined we'd be on this adventure together. In so many ways it is so much harder than having biological children, BUT I think that as a couple the process of adoption can really draw your marriage and your family closer together.

I truly am grateful for those that lift us up in prayer. You'll never know how much I appreciate it.

So for now we are like Dory in Nemo! We are gonna "Just keep swimming...just keep swimming". As crazy as it sounds that little crazy fish amazes me with her positive outlook. That is so Brian, and I am of course Marlin...I'm always the one to think something is going to go wrong. So now...we are just swimming along, waiting on the Lord's timing!

Ready for take off!!

Well, I thought it was about time for an update, so here it goes. We should be cleared for official take off by Friday. We have everything in and our social worker said as soon as we send in our profiles (hopefully Thursday???) we will be playing the waiting game!!

I am so excited and so appreciate those of you who have been able to support us through prayer and encouragement. Please don't stop praying because waiting may be just as hard if not harder than all of the other stuff we've have to do so far.

We are so excited, and can't wait until our baby is in our arms. Its such an adventure.

There are so many similarities in adoption to having biological children. There is the same having to surrender to the process. When you are carrying a child in your body you must surrender to whatever that pregnancy throws at you, and you no longer have control over your body or your life, and when you carry a child in your heart you must surrender to a process in which it feels like everyone else has control over your life except for you.

Ultimately the lesson I am learning this time around is that the Lord already has our little one picked out for us, and everything is being orchestrated like a beautiful symphony by our Lord. In his timing...we cannot rush the conductor, or the symphony will not work out as beautifully as intended.

I am praising God for all of the lessons he has taught our family in this process. Praise God from whom ALL blessings flow!!

Adoption Update!

A few of you have requested an update on our Adoption Journey, so rather than write the same story 3 or 4 times, please forgive me for just writing a cover all blog!

This week we finished the last of our interviews for our home study and PASSED our home inspection. Our Redding Social Worker called last night to say that she mailed off our paperwork to our other social worker in Modesto, so now all that is left is to get our insurance form from Brian's work and we will mail off the rest of our paperwork to Bethany.

THEN...the first of the BIG fees. So if you can all continue to keep us in prayer about the adoption finances that would be greatly appreciated!

After that fee is paid then Mona will write the other half of our home study down in Modesto, and then my understanding is that by August we will be making our books and having potential Mamas look at our profile.

So we are in the HURRY UP mode, so hopefully soon we will be in the wait mode!

So that is all of the news for now. We are just really relaxed this time around and feeling really blessed to be working with an agency that is Christ centered. Hope this answers everyone's questions! : )

Paper Pregnant

I cannot deny that I am looking forward to being done with the paperwork of adoption, but at the same time its all a part of this pregnancy...paper pregnancy that is. I am being told on a regular basis by those that have adopted to be patient with every step of the process. I have to say as in my other two pregnancies that I went through some of the same things. I am dying to shop for crib bedding, and other baby odds and ends, but without knowing the sex of the baby I'm not sure what I want to buy.

I've been researching all of the new baby stuff (its been a while since I had an infant in the house), and I am surprised by some of the products on the market. Boogie wipes??? Back when I had Brianna that was either a wet wipe, or a burp cloth. Pee Pee Tee Pee?? REALLY??? Some of this stuff is just way to funny for words. My personal favorite was a crib for $4,000...Someone obviously has more sense than money!!! All in all though it has been fun looking and making my baby wish lists.

Brian and I are wading through this paperwork together and sometimes it just sucks and then sometimes it is fun like when they ask you questions like, "How do you get along with your in-laws?" or the questions about your sex life, or "What are your spouses strengths? Weaknesses?". I swear every couple who is having a baby should have to answer these questions. They really get you thinking, and in my case appreciating what a wonderful man I am married to.

Anyway, so here is where we are at. We will be done with our homestudy meetings AND home inspection by May 31st, then it will have to be written up...THEN we will really need your prayers as we apply for grants and try to get financially creative in order to bring our pumpkin home.

God is good, and as always is faithful to the Call Family.

Just keep swimming...just keep swimming...

Well, I am just swimming along here through my adoption check list, and I'm feeling so much more relaxed this time around. I just feel at peace. I am resting in the fact that God already has our child picked out for us, and so nothing I do will make our baby come faster, and nothing I do will mess up God's perfect timing. I know I get scared sometimes, but it is so nice to know that the Lord is in control. It makes this process so much easier KNOWING that HE has it under control. Now I know this doesn't mean that I might not have a freak out here or there along the way, but it is awesome how calm I feel at this moment. I keep praying for my child's birth family, and I pray for him (or her) as well. I swear I might actually be enjoying the process this time. Its kind of like a pregnancy in so many ways, but without the morning sickness, bloating, and swollen ankles...it does have pain of its own though. I'm just so thankful for all of the support we have been getting through this process from our friends. Praise God from whom ALL blessings flow. May He continue to teach me and mold me during this long and sometimes difficult process. So like Dory (in Finding Nemo) I will "just keep swimming, just keep swimming" through the process, and pray daily to remain surrendered to the Lord not only through this process, but long after its over.